just. sit. down.

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What does it take to achieve our dreams?

 

I’ve always wished it was like a magic spell —

just a lit candle, a chant, and a swish of a wand

or the bubble of a brew:

poof! All your dreams, manifested.

 

The hard part about becoming an adult

is when becoming an adult doesn’t come with

a large starter package of cash

with monthly installments of thousand or more

(free, no loans!)

until all your dreams have been realized.

 

I won’t bore anyone with descriptions of

my numerous attempts at realizing my dreams,

only to be discouraged, or distracted, or

too stressed, sad, and scared

to conceive of going on.

 

I’ve always been the kind of person

who has to be all-in,

or not at all.

If I can’t jump in head-first and swim perfectly,

I don’t.

Or, I try, and find I’m drowning.

 

So I’m not trying to swim in waters

I know I can’t, anymore.

I’m going back to the kiddie pool.

 

I’m going back to the beginning,

back to where I started,

twelve years ago in my bedroom

on a cold autumn night:

candle lit,

hands on knees,

just

breathing.

 

Everything (my cards, books opened at random, conversation had

and conversations overheard) have been telling me

to just meditate. Nothing else. Just do that one thing.

 

I’ve been ignoring the signs.

Ignoring my inner self, actually.

My inner self does not like being ignored.

So it gave me anxiety, and a fever, and

muscle pain and headaches and

hives, itchy itchy hives.

All sure-fire signs of my psyche telling me to

chill. the fuck. out.

 

So I am.

I’m done ignoring.

I’m done trying to swim in waters I’m not prepared to swim in.

 

I’ve made a request to the Universe.

In circle, and then later in bed with

my dear bard’s arms around me,

I repeated to the cosmos,

every time I’m stressing about anything

no matter what

just say three words, loud and unignorable, in my mind:

just. sit. down.

I promise, in return,

I’ll listen. Every time.

 

No matter where I am —

at work, at the library,

on the sidewalk, in the store,

in my apartment, in the woods,

on the bike path, at the playground,

at a concert, at a party,

in front of people I’m afraid of judging me —

 

I will listen to your three words.

I will sit down, and I will breathe.

 

And from there,

perhaps I can find a way.

But I can’t go into the water

dreaming.

Even on my tip-toes,

I must be aware

of just my breath,

just its rise and fall,

just its ebb and flow,

just

knowing

that’s all

there

is.

::

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2 thoughts on “just. sit. down.

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